How To Fail At Laziness
by Bryon Nightshade
Summary: Set right before Naruto's return to Konoha with Jiraiya, this story follows Team Asuma on what should be a routine mission but, of course, is not. Shikamaru sighs. A lot.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: when I wrote this story, it was during the interim between original Naruto and Naruto Shippuuden (volumes 27 and 28 of the manga). I had gotten some bad information-- namely, that Shikamaru had been promoted to jonin (when, in fact, it was Neji). So I wrote the story to explain how Shikamaru made jonin even though he's still a chunin. Oh well. I'm not about to waste a story I had fun writing, so here it is. Enjoy.

* * *

"I bet you can't wait for this, Shikamaru!"

"This will be a great chance for you to show what you can do, Shikamaru!"

"I have high hopes for you, Shikamaru!"

The oft-complimented shinobi sighed.

It was one thing to get a pat on the back after a successful mission. It was another to be showered with praise by someone else's cell leader.

"If you do well on this mission, you'll be well on your way to making jonin!"

That one irked him the most. Being a chunin was turning into way more hassle than it was worth. The increased responsibilities far outweighed the increased privileges in Shikamaru's book. The last promotion had been almost against his will. The prospect of another was just salt in the wound.

"Hey, Madam Kurenai," Shikamaru said as they danced through the trees, "why are you leading us on this mission? Our sensei is Master Asuma."

"Oh, that. On occassion we mix up the squad leaders a little," the kunoichi answered. "Just to make sure things are as reported. Not that we don't believe your cell's reports," she added, "but we like to get another set of eyes on things. After all, everyone sees things differently. When we get more people looking at something we're likely to get closer to the truth."

Shikamaru frowned. The truth about what?

"Madam Kurenai? Could you explain the mission now?" said Choji.

"Yeah, what was so important that we had to leave the village before you'd tell us?" added Ino. "Normally we get our mission brief before we leave. What kind of mission are we talking about?"

"A theft," said Kurenai.

"A theft?" Ino repeated.

"Why do you sound so surprised?" said Kurenai. "With our stealth and jutsu, shinobi make superb thieves... for a price. This sort of mission comes with a hefty price tag, but among the feudal families, that actually makes it seem more legitimate. If you have to be robbed, it's comforting to know the other guy paid a stiff bill."

Kurenai looked over her shoulder at Ino. "You're not bothered, are you? Because there are times we have to do missions a lot dirtier than a simple theft."

"I'm not bothered," said Ino defensively, "it's just I've never done a theft before. What do they want us to steal that's worth paying so much for?"

"A ring," said Kurenai.

"A ring? That's it?" said Choji.

"Is it at least a flashy, expensive ring?" said Ino. "Like with jewels all over it and stuff?"

"No, it's simple gold," said Kurenai. "With symbols etched into it. But those symbols make it not just a ring, but a signet ring."

"Now things get interesting," said Shikamaru.

"You just lost me, Shikamaru," said Choji.

"It means this is about to get political. Doesn't it, Madam Kurenai?"

The kunoichi smiled-- the sort of smile she made when she was about to compliment him undeservedly. "That's exactly right," she said. "Signet rings are more than just jewelry. They're heirlooms that mark status or belonging within a noble family."

"That still doesn't tell me why it's such a big deal to take one."

Shikamaru sighed. "Look at it like this. Each ninja clan has its own jutsu, right? They're taught those jutsu from an early age, and it's something that belongs to the clan. Strategically, it makes sense for the different families and clans of Konohagakure to teach each other all their jutsu, but that doesn't happen."

"Of course not!" said Ino. "No clan is going to teach someone else their jutsu just because they ask."

"Right," said Shikamaru. "It doesn't work like that. To learn a jutsu you have to belong to the clan that invented it. Exceptions are rare-- Kakashi-sensei having the Sharingan, for example. A kekkei genkai can be lost if the members of its clan are all killed off. Jutsu doesn't have to be like that, but a lot of times it is. Why? Because it matters to the clan to be exclusive."

"A special or secret jutsu is seen as a marker of being in a certain family," continued Kurenai. "The expansion jutsu belongs to Choji's family, and the Transference jutsu is unique to Ino's family. So the jutsu is more than just a technique you use; it's part of who you are."

"The Nara clan uses Shadow Possession jutsu," said Shikamaru. "I'm a member of the Nara clan. Therefore, I must use Shadow Possession jutsu."

"And the other way around, too," agreed Kurenai.

"That makes sense," said Ino, "but it still doesn't tell me why we have to steal a signet ring."

"Well, non-ninja don't have jutsu," said Shikamaru, "so they can't hand those down to their kids as a marker of identity. They have to use other things, like... signet rings."

"Exactly," said Kurenai. "The ring we're out to steal belonged to a now-deceased clan. Our clients claim to be the descendents of that clan. But they need the signet ring to prove it."

Shikamaru nodded. "If we can retrieve it for them, they can say to the minor lords, "We're the rightful rulers here". It'll go a long way towards clearing up some of the political confusion amongst the minor lords of the North."

Kurenai shot him a harsh look.

"That's where we're going, isn't it?" said Shikamaru. "I figured it out after you mentioned the ring. It was pretty obvious."

"It wasn't obvious to me," said Choji.

"And Madam Kurenai? Can we stop heading in the wrong way? Since we all know where we're going now, we can stop with the misdirection."

Kurenai smiled brightly, and Shikamaru groaned. "I'd expect nothing less from you, Shikamaru. Come on, this way!"

Shikamaru felt more depressed as he followed the jonin in a turn. He'd only said it to save time and be lazier, and now she'd made him out to be... well... motivated. What a drag.

"But be careful," said Kurenai. "One of the reasons that I was reluctant to tell you all the specifics is because a ninja must never get involved in politics. We can't question who's giving us a mission or why. If we ever did, we'd be taking sides, and we'd get dragged into far more conflicts than we want."

"I'll say," said Shikamaru. "We have enough trouble just fighting the other ninja villages. I don't want to get involved in some feudal battles."

"That's sound thinking, Shikamaru. All we can do is stay loyal to the money. It's our way. That's why we charge a lot for this sort of mission-- it endangers our neutrality."

"And because it's dangerous, I'm guessing."

"Maybe," said Kurenai. "Probably. It's a B, with an option to go higher based on resistance. It's no secret that our clients covet this ring, so it's sure to be guarded. How heavily will determine how much the village gets paid."

"So we're not sure what we're up against?" said Shikamaru warily.

"Nope," said Kurenai, "but you're in luck. You have two of Konoha's best at covert entries right here with you."

His frown deepened. "I'm in luck? Don't you mean we're in luck?"

"Not at all," said Kurenai. "You're leading this mission."

"Wow, congratulations Shikamaru!" said Ino. Choji gave a big thumbs up and a grin. And Shikamaru just sighed. It was going to be a long time before he could relax again.

* * *

"Alright," said Shikamaru, "we're all back from our initial recon of the target. After a day we should have some good intel. Tell me what you've found."

"I'll start," said Choji, "because I probably found out the least."

"Don't worry about it," said Shikamaru. "Not everyone is built for subtlety. But don't worry, I have an important job for you later on."

Choji smiled proudly, then turned to the ground and drew in the dirt. "It's a straight-forward sort of castle," he said. "Basic square shape, front gate on the north wall, forest to south and west, steep drop to the east. There's a redoubt on each corner," he drew the corners as large circles, "with a guardhouse on top. From what I saw, behind the top of the wall is a walkway that connects the guardhouses." He added another line behind the wall. "The front gate has a deep portcullis; the teeth stick pretty deep into the ground. It'd be close to impossible to knock it in... too much dirt in the way." He dug the northern wall deeper, then stood up. "Who's next?"

Kurenai took the stick. "We have information on where the ring is stored," she said. "Behind the outer wall, there are clusters of huts and support buildings surrounding the inner keep. The inner keep has three main portions. The first is the lord's quarters..." she drew a box near the east wall, "...the second is the main court and banquet area..." she drew a box perpendicular to the first, "...and the third is the servants' quarters," she drew a third box, completing the U-shape.

"As you might expect, they keep the most valuable things in the lords' quarters. We don't have a detailed floorplan," she admitted, "but I can give you lots of information on the storage location."

Shikamaru nodded. "And you spent your time checking that this info was correct?"

"Yes," said Kurenai. "I saw enough details matching to trust they got the rest right. I'll add in the minor structures later on, if you think they'll matter."

"It might not," said Shikamaru. "Ino, what did you find out?"

"There's one guard at each guardhouse," she said. "Not a shinobi, just a normal guard. But there *are* shinobi guards on the *inside* of the wall, down below." She drew a circle inside the middle of each of the four walls. "The shinobi think the guards are dirt, I heard them say things like that. The regular guards probably think the same of the shinobi, but they're not stupid enough to say it."

"What's the guard schedule like?" said Shikamaru.

"The normal guards are pretty regular," she said. "Every four hours, though they're not very professional about it, so there's some slop. Still, every time I saw it was within five minutes of the hour. The shinobi, on the other hand, are unreadable. I think they've designed an irregular rotation to defeat this sort of recon. We'd need to watch 'em a while to get it right."

Shikamaru frowned at the drawing. "Alright," he said. "I estimate there are two cells of shinobi on hand. I'm guessing it's a long-term security contract, which is why they fill the lookout spots with non-shinobi guards. Still... half-on, half-off is a hard posture to keep up for weeks on end. I bet these guys are bored out of their minds. Tired, too."

He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "The castle was designed and built with a certain retro-style," he said. "They've got murder holes in the upper walls... sections of wall with hinges," he said, responding to his teammates' puzzled looks. "They're supposed to allow someone on the wall walkway to shoot straight down on to someone at the foot of the wall. Those shinobi would be total amateurs if they hadn't cooked up something to deal with people hopping the walls, but I wonder if they know about the murder holes."

He looked over to the wall. "Murder holes are designed to be pushed open from the inside, but I don't see why we couldn't pull one out with a little chakra control... not different from the tree-climbing exercise in principal. Once we're inside..." he shook his head. "Nah, getting ahead of myself."

He returned his gaze to the drawing. "This castle may have a simple design," he said, "but that makes it a hard break-in. It's got superb lines of sight-- every position on the inside can be seen from at least two guardhouses. The exception," he said, "are the guardhouses themselves."

"Yeah, they can be seen from all the other guardhouses and all four ninja on the ground," said Choji.

"Not completely," corrected Shikamaru. "Only the top of the guard's body is visible... the guardhouses are supposed to give some cover, after all. That means that, if we get someone inside, we can control the guards, even if we can't take them out."

"Why not take them out?"

"We just said that the guardhouses are all visible," Shikamaru said. "If they can't see the other guards they'll raise an alarm. We have to control the guards instead. That means Transference jutsu," he pointed at Ino, "and genjutsu," he pointed at a very surprised Kurenai.

"Genjutsu?" she said. "Why not Shadow Possession?"

"Two reasons," he said. "First, I don't have the chakra to hold even a single Shadow Possession indefinitely, and the thief may need half an hour or more to pull this off. In contrast, genjutsu is easy to maintain once it's established."

"True enough," said Kurenai. "And the other reason?"

His expression soured. "We have to keep in mind the second part of the mission. Getting in is just the beginning. After that we still have to steal the ring. And out of the four of us, no offense to Madam Kurenai, I have the top scores in stealth and traps."

Kurenai frowned. Not all of the hidden capabilities of Shikamaru were turning out to be pleasant. "How would you know that?"

"A good guess," he said. "Which you just confirmed. I got top marks in concealment 'cause I was always hiding to get out of work and chores and school, so I got to be the best at that. I didn't know about you, but I had a hunch, and now I'm sure."

"Good work, I guess," said Kurenai.

Darn it, I'm showing off again, said Shikamaru. "Trust me, I wish I could get out of it. The person who goes in the middle has the toughest job of all... they have to evade or overcome the shinobi sentry in the middle, then get to the ring alone and steal it. The rest of the mission is safe; the lone infiltrator is the only guy at risk."

He shrugged as he stood. "But it makes tactical sense. We can't win a straight-out fight, so stealth is our trump card. And if it goes wrong, worst case is we lose one guy. The rest then can make a new decision." He looked at the castle again. "Still, let's get some more recon on this. They don't know we're coming, and that's our single greatest asset right now. We need to get it right the first time, or the second time will be way harder."

"Lucky for us we can take our time," said Ino. "There's no rush, right?"

"I can't see why there would be," said Shikamaru. "Unless..."

"Unless our clients got noticed hiring us," said Kurenai. "In that case, our targets might call in for extra protection."

Shikamaru sighed. "What a drag."

* * *

That night, a hawk arrived with a message for the cell from Konohagakure. It carried an apology from the group's clients that they had a spy in their midst, numerous apologies that their mission was known, and profuse apologies that reinforcements were on the way to the castle.

"This is way too much work," said Shikamaru.

"Well, that limits our options," said Ino. "We either get in some time tomorrow or there'll be way too many ninja for a four-man cell to dodge."

Shikamaru shook his head. "Rushing this is the stupid thing to do," he said. "It'd be way safer to abort, especially since this whole mission rests on my ability to be quiet." He sighed. "I need more information. I need to know for sure how many shinobi there are. I need to know what their relief schedule is like. I need to know what sort of jutsu I'm likely to face to get the ring itself." He sighed. "Man, I'd call that the bare minimum to make a good effort at this. And that's not counting all the info I'd like to know, like what kind of traffic goes in, what the servants' night work schedule is like, what nation the enemy shinobi are from and what jutsu they might use."

"You don't have any of that," said Kurenai severely. "You have to make your choice based on the data you've got. That's what being a leader is all about."

"I never said I wanted to be a leader," Shikamaru said. "This wasn't my idea, you know."

"I hope you're not choosing to abort just to get out of work," said Kurenai.

Instead of rising in anger, Shikamaru slouched. "I don't have to put up with this. I know you're not gonna tell me I'm not a leader unless I order us to go. I thought you guys valued me because I know when to cut my losses. Well, I say it's time to clock out."

"I don't think I'll ever understand you, Shikamaru," said Ino. "Don't you have any pride at all?"

"I've got no use for it," said Shikamaru. "What I need is clarity. That's why I have to take my emotions out of it. Reason tells me the odds aren't in my favor, and they don't compare favorably with the risks; so why play?"

Silence settled over the camp. Then Choji said, "Hey, Shikamaru?"

"Yeah, Choji?"

"Do you know why I'm not dead right now?"

Shikamaru blinked in surprise. "Huh?"

"Do you know why I was able to beat that monster from the Sound Village?" Choji said patiently.

"Because you used your clan's secret weapon," said Shikamaru, "and you used the strength to beat him down quickly, before the side effects incapacitated you."

"Yeah, that's a true thing to say," said Choji, "but it's not the real answer. The real answer is that I beat him because you said you believed in me."

Shikamaru's eyes widened in surprise. "Huh?"

"Well, think about it," said Choji. "I'm sure that by any measure he had me beat. You know, stronger, faster, better jutsu, whatever. But I beat him... because you said you believed in me. And so I was able to do *better* than I thought I could do, than I had any right to do."

Shikamaru slumped again. "It's not that simple," he said. "You can't get things done just because you'd like to be able to. You can't just toss out a power balance because you want it bad enough."

"But you can't trust your brain completely either," said Choji. "I mean, think about it. You know what you did last time, right? And that's how you guess what you'll do this time. But you're a better ninja this time, aren't you?"

"Sure," said Shikamaru, "maybe. Possibly. But I don't know how much."

"Exactly!" said Choji excitedly. "You don't know, so you think you won't do any better at all! But I think you will. I know you will! You can do this, Shikamaru!"

Shikamaru sighed and turned away, unable to meet the enthusiastic gaze of his best friend for long. He stared long and hard at the castle, its forbidding walls, its alert guards, the unknown ninja on the other side and the worthless ring somewhere in the middle. Then he closed his eyes, squatted, and touched his fingers together.

No one spoke as the shinobi sank into thought. They just watched and waited. And inside numbers crunched. Wheels turned. Abaca clicked. Tables filled out.

"This is a bad idea," Shikamaru said at last. "Here goes. Ino, you'll use Transference on the guard in the south-west. Madam Kurenai, you'll use genjutsu on the south-east guy. I'll allow two minutes after we break up for that to take place, and after that I'll go in the south wall. We'll get in through the murder holes. If we go in half an hour after the normal guards relieve, we'll have a solid three hours before they relieve again, so that's not a problem. The rest..." he shrugged.

"The rest is on me."

He turned and saw his teammates smiling, enthusiasm plain on their faces. He sighed.

'What a drag...'

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

The waiting was always the worst part.

Shikamaru knew that from before, and he'd prepared himself. But it was still hard to suppress the gnawing feeling in his gut, the instinct that he ought to be doing something. There was nothing for it. He'd given them their jobs and sent them on their way, and he could do nothing more for them until it was time to pull out. Knowing this didn't affect the feeling at all.

He squatted facing the south wall, hidden from prying eyes as he ticked off the time. He'd given them three minutes. Not knowing how long this would take, and knowing that he needed to be in and out before the guards turned over again, he'd budgeted time tightly. They were just normal guards, it shouldn't have been a problem. Still…

His budgeting of time was based solely on the turnover of the guards he could see. The real problem was the turnover of the guards he couldn't see. And that was a total unknown.

At least he had no illusions. He couldn't tell which would have been worse—thinking he knew the truth and getting a nasty surprise, or being aware of his ignorance and having it hang over him the whole time.

The wind blew into his face, so he closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, focused, and started going back over the mission's details. Checking and rechecking his facts and his gaps, trying to put together a full picture of what might happen. He went over all the data Kurenai had given him. It was the only way he knew to keep himself steady and focused. If he let his mind wander, it would wind him up to no end. Better to stay busy.

His watch shook slightly—it was time. He inhaled once… and took off, legs flying in the long strides of a shinobi trying to cover distance. In a blink he'd made the southern wall. Now to go up… a simple matter for a trained ninja. Focus the chakra into the feet, keep a hold on the wood with muscles that weren't there. Nothing to it.

The murder hole was just as easy. As he'd suspected, it wasn't secured well, and a cursory check showed no obvious jutsu had been used to protect it. He wished he had time to check it thoroughly and make sure, but this was a crunch; he had to be in and out before events overcame him. Without any more hesitation, he ducked inside and onto the rampart.

He cast quick sidelong glances at the two guardhouses. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary-- they made no response to his intrusion. Good, Kurenai and Ino had done their jobs... either that or he'd overestimated the alertness of his enemies. He sidled to the inner edge of the walkway and looked down into the courtyard, scanning for the shinobi he knew to be there.

A pair of green eyes appeared a few inches away.

He was surprised for a moment or two, then grimaced. "Well, that's a problem," he said.

"Hi," said the shinobi. "You aren't gonna cause any trouble, are you? I hate it when that happens."

"Nah, I was just passing through," said Shikamaru. "I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere."

"Oh, good," said the other shinobi. As Shikamaru looked, he saw she was standing horizontally on the inside of the wall, just below his position on the rampart. She must have known where he was coming from.

She?

_*Another* girl_, he thought. _I must have done something hideous in my last life._

"And your friends in the two guardhouses?" she continued. "They're lost too?"

"More or less," said Shikamaru. "We're not very good with maps."

"I think you're lying," said the kunoichi.

"You're pretty sharp," said Shikamaru glumly.

The kunoichi sighed. "Are we gonna have to fight now? I hate fighting, did you know that? I asked for guard duty because guards don't usually have to fight. Say you're not gonna attack."

Shikamaru frowned. "Attacking you is not what I had in mind," he said truthfully.

"Oh, good," said the kunoichi, looking relieved. "It's such a bother, isn't it? Good ol' boring guard duty, four-to-six hours of nothing important happening, that's the job I asked for. Someone trying to break in and steal a signet ring? Why, that's waaaay too much of a bother for a lazy ninja like me."

Shikamaru's mouth opened in surprise. "Are you serious? Are you telling me I've found someone as lazy as myself?"

"Lazier," said the kunoichi with pride. "You're out on a mission and I'm just a guard. Queue-ee-dee."

"You're on a mission too," said Shikamaru accusingly.

"Yeah, but it's guard duty," she shot back. "Not the same at all." She brightened suddenly. "Do you play chess?"

Shikamaru frowned. "A little," he said guardedly.

"Oh, good," said the kunoichi. "That's one thing I do miss about home. Even though they made me do stuff back there, at least I could always find a chess opponent. Here? We're not allowed to play with our clients, and none of the other ninja will play with me. Can you imagine?"

Shikamaru smiled. "I think I can," he said.

"Now look," she said, "I don't want to fight you, and I think you don't want to fight me either. Why don't we go on down and play a nice, relaxing game of chess? I promise if you win I'll let you by me, and if you lose we'll pretend you were never here."

Shikamaru gave her a suspicious look. "I don't get it. You could just call for help."

The kunoichi sighed. "Yes, but then that would get everyone up and awake, there'd be a big search for the perpetrators—even though I'm sure you and your cell would be long gone by then… it'd just be a big hairy deal," she said dejectedly. "And then we'd have to go and talk to the feudal lord, and then our cell leaders, and there'd be hours of debriefs and reports to file and… oh, you get the idea. I don't wanna."

"I don't blame you," said Shikamaru. "Sounds like a real drag. But how do you know I don't suck at chess? You wouldn't want to get your hopes up and then have me let you down, would you?"

"If you were bad at chess," she said, her face sharpening suddenly, "you would have attacked me already. After all, I wouldn't stake my guard job on my chess skills unless I thought *I* was good, right?"

"Unfortunately, yes," said Shikamaru. "And the same for me."

"So would you pleeeeease play chess with me?" pleaded the kunoichi. "I'm dieing for a game!"

"Sure," replied Shikamaru. "Lead the way."

"Yay!" cheered the kunoichi. She dropped down to the ground. The setup was already in place—the board rested on a large rock, the pieces set up, while a tatami mat was on each side. A basin of water rested nearby, within the kunoichi's line of sight. She sprawled out on her mat and waited for Shikamaru.

He approached more cautiously. She'd given him the white side of the board, waiting for him to make the first move. "You knew I was coming, huh?"

"Sure did," she said. "I have my ways—I don't have to see beyond the walls to know what's happening. I don't depend on line of sight."

"Handy trait for a guard," he said.

"Or a slacker." She smiled. "The game is set. Shall we?"

_Alright, Shikamaru. Let's think this thing through._

_She knows what I'm here for. She knows Ino and Kurenai are in position already. She's seen my headband, so she knows we're from Konoha, but she probably doesn't know who we are specifically. She's able to track us without seeing us. She has unknown jutsu. Her relief is coming in an unknown amount of time._

_Do I attack? How can I? I don't know her jutsu or skill level. Regardless of what she says, I have to believe she'll call for help if she suspects an attack. I'd only have one shot, and if I miss we'll never get through._

Shikamaru moved a pawn.

She answered.

He moved.

She answered.

Click. Click.

Click. Click.

They made no other sound. This was not an occasion for small talk; both were focused entirely on the game. It would take all of their faculties to maintain that.

Shikamaru's brain was attuned to patterns. He could see them forming from the smallest hints. And now, a new pattern was emerging from his opponent's moves.

_She isn't playing to win._

Perhaps that wasn't the best way to put it. The kunoichi was readily trading pieces with him one-for-one. The casualties were mounting up, but neither of them was really gaining anything in terms of position.

It's true, in chess, that lots of pieces on the board are lots of pieces in the way. But every piece is an asset waiting to be used. To throw them away so casually…

She was being very smart, very cagey about it, but he could see her overall strategy. She wouldn't be trapped or lured by the offer of a piece exchange; but every time she could afford to, she swapped pieces with Shikamaru, and the body count grew.

Click. Click.

"You favor your knights," she said, breaking the silence.

"Not that much," said Shikamaru. "You've got them both now."

"But it cost me," she answered. "They did some damage. I think it's interesting how you use them. Many shinobi don't know how. They're all so direct. You? You're a sideways sort of thinker."

"Are we playing chess?" Shikamaru asked. "Or having a little chat?"

She grinned. "Sorry. Didn't mean to distract you."

_Lying wench._ Shikamaru grimaced, and moved another piece.

Click. Click.

Click. Click.

More pieces fell rapidly. Why be so reckless? Shikamaru knew that the loss of so many pieces, even at a slight advantage, would do limited good. At the end of a bloodbath game like this, each side would have lots of room to run the king around, while the lack of powerful pieces meant that a checkmate could be very difficult. It was possible, but required a lot of creativity… and even more time.

_She's stalling me! She's not playing to win, she's playing for time! In a very sneaky way, too… she's trying to hide it._

Click. Click.

"All these pawns in the way," she complained. "What a bother."

Shikamaru frowned. _She's testing me. I know she's been throwing them away in trades. I can't tell her that, though… it would show I know what she's up to._

"Pawns are the soul of chess," Shikamaru quoted.

"Pawns are the gristle of chess," she countered. "There to gum up the works and keep people from getting to the good stuff."

_Again trying to hide her intentions!_ "Sometimes I agree with you," he said. "I just want to win this game and get out of here, y'know? If your comrades are half the hassle you are, this is just a waste of my time."

"Yeah," she agreed. "I'm with you. I need to get back to my normal schedule of nothing-much."

"Then let's concentrate on the game, shall we?" said Shikamaru, edgier this time.

She smirked.

Click. Click.

Click. Click.

_This isn't working. I can't force an end to the game. Her relief could come at any time. I need to hit her outside the game to make this work._

_But how can I strike? She has me exactly where she wants me. What can I do to break this lock?_

_And how did she know I was coming? How did she know about Ino and Kurenai? I have to know how she's tracking us before I can try anything. That water basin has to be the key—I know it's not there for decoration._

Click. Click.

"Darn!" Shikamaru shouted, clapping his hands. "I didn't think you'd do that."

"Liar," drawled the kunoichi. "You expected me to do that, and it doesn't weaken you that I did."

"Hm… I guess you're right," said Shikamaru. _That's another possible way down. I've checked four out of five possible methods now. I think I've got her figured out. Okay, now to plan my counterattack._

Click. Click.

Pause.

Shikamaru withdrew his hand, inches from the piece he'd meant to move.

"Aw, come on!" said the kunoichi. "Don't keep me waiting!"

"I didn't touch it," he said, and put his fingertips together near the board edge.

"Hey, hey, hey," said the kunoichi with alarm. "That's not a handsign, is it? We had a deal!"

"It's *not* a handsign," said Shikamaru, eyes closed. "It's just a habit. Now be quiet for a moment."

"Hmph," said the she-ninja, but she rested her cheek on her hand and waited for him.

Tick. Tick.

Tick. Tick.

Solution.

Shikamaru opened his eyes, separated his fingers, and moved.

The kunoichi watched, lazily, then sat up. Why did he make that move? It wasn't a very good one. He must have something in mind… what is it?

She responded. Shikamaru reached out, moved his piece, and then put his hands together again underneath the table.

The kunoichi might have caught the difference in his gesture, but her interest was captivated by his move. Intriguing! Another erratic move; its purpose was not immediately obvious. She looked up at him, but he had his eyes closed and his head bowed, so she looked back at the board.

What subtlety! It *looked* like an exposing move, but he wouldn't do something like that without deliberation, would he? No. His moves up to then had been faultless and well thought-out. It was more likely that his intent had changed than his skill level. Cautiously she responded, avoiding the obvious response in favor of a tempo move.

As soon as her piece clicked on the board, his hand darted out, made a move, and then went back under the board. Amazing! This move had no clear relation to the ones before it! He was concentrating harder than ever, she could see that; he was trembling slightly in the moonlight. So why this unfocused approach now, this change in strategy?

She made a move towards the center, a good positional move, ready for whatever it was he had in mind. He made another move—and he made it quickly for how much his hand was shaking. He retreated again into his same stance, but she hardly noticed. She smiled greedily—this time he'd left her a real opening. She was still looking warily for the trap, but she couldn't see it; she couldn't see how his pieces were in a position to really harm her. She made an aggressive move. Again he responded quickly. She saw her opportunity and moved to take it.

And her hand froze, hovering over the board.

Shikamaru opened his eyes at last. "Shadow Possession technique," he said, "success." Both ninjas' eyes looked to the ground, where a narrow band of shadow connected Shikamaru to his now-helpless opponent.

A look of indignation came over the kunoichi's face—or, at least, as much as Shikamaru would allow. "Okay, fine," he said. "I'll let you speak. But I wouldn't call for help at this point."

"How dare you," she said as soon as she was able. "You're breaking our agreement. You said you'd decide this with our chess game!"

"Look who's talking," he shot back. "When does your relief arrive?"

She kept up the mask of anger, then broke a sheepish smile. "Darn it, you found me out. If I could have held you up another fifteen minutes you'd have had to fight both of us. Alone I probably couldn't have caught you, but if I only had to do half the work..."

"Heh. Fifteen minutes, you said? I don't think I buy that."

"Your choice," she said. "But how did you get that attack off?"

"I wasn't lying the first time when I put my fingers together," he said, demonstrating the gesture. "It's something I do when I'm thinking, just a habit. But after I showed it to you, I moved my hands under the table. That's when I started making handsigns. You knew I was putting my hands together, but you didn't know how… and neither did your jutsu."

"Hmph! What do *you* know about my jutsu?"

"You're a water ninja," he said. He pointed to the basin she'd put beside her campsite. "That basin is a telltale pool. The ground transmits vibrations, and they show up as ripples in the water. It's extremely subtle, but I'm sure using chakra you can feel out and interpret even the smallest ripples. You can use the pool as a motion detector, and you don't need line of sight."

"And you can't sneak by it," she said. "No matter how quiet and hard-to-see you are, you can't stop having a body. Ah… you weren't sure how I was tracking you, but you believed me that it wasn't visual. So the clap was to make sure I wasn't tracking you by sound," she said appreciatively.

"Yeah," he said. "You didn't even flinch, and if you'd turned up your hearing you would have had *some* reaction. And I knew you weren't smelling us, because I approached from downwind. So you were tracking us either by touch or some exotic jutsu. I guessed touch, and I was right."

"I'll be damned," she said.

"The other thing," he said, smiling, "is that reading that pool must take a lot of concentration. I figured you'd have to stare at it forever to know what makes it change. You don't develop much situational awareness that way. And that meant that if I could get you focused on the chess game, you wouldn't notice me making my real move."

"I have been accused of having tunnel vision," the kunoichi admitted. "But… that means it took you several minutes to get that jutsu off!"

"I am pretty drained," he said. "That's why my moves towards the end were so awful. It was taking all my concentration to keep the chakra focused from handsign to handsign. I couldn't think about chess at all."

She shook her head—or would have, had she been able to move. "Congratulations, you got me. You've got fifteen minutes to get in and get out."

"It was fifteen minutes two minutes ago," said Shikamaru.

"I was lying then. But you got me, so why not come clean?"

"Uh-huh." He shrugged. "Anyway, time for you to take a nap." He altered his hands to make a new sign. The she-ninja felt a chill going up her spine, felt something grab her hair roughly. Then she felt herself being pulled back. But she didn't feel it when her head smacked the rock, because at that point she was unconscious.

Shikamaru looked up at the inner buildings, stepped towards them—and looked back at the chess board. He snorted. He knocked over his king in surrender. And then he was gone.

* * *

Choji saw Shikamaru a few moments before the chunin arrived at their camp. "Shikamaru!" he said. "Did you get it?"

"That's what we want to know," said Ino, arriving right behind him.

"I think you made the right decision either way," said Kurenai, "but having said that, do you have the signet?"

"Sure do," said Shikamaru. He raised the ring triumphantly. "But there's a bit of a problem."

"What?"

"One knocked-out kunoichi," said Shikamaru, "who, unless I lost track of time, has just been found by her…"

His last word was drowned out by the alarm from the keep. He grimaced and sighed.

"Let's get out of here!" said Choji. "If we hurry, we can make the border…"

"No, we won't make it in time," Shikamaru said. "The reinforcements are from the Village Hidden in the Waterfalls. Their axis of travel means they'll get to the border before we will."

"Then let's go to ground," said Ino. "They won't catch us, we can hide with the best of them."

"That's a bad plan, too," said Shikamaru. "Just listen. I thought this out, since I knew it was the most likely outcome. Remember, Choji? I told you I had a special job in mind for you."

Choji's eyes widened in surprise, and he nodded enthusiastically. "I'm your guy, Shikamaru! What do you want?"

Shikamaru hesitated. "Just… try not to hate me when it's over, okay?"

* * *

"This border is sealed!" called the guard over the huge tumult of traffic at the crossing. "Keep in line. We have specialists conducting searches. There are thieves out there and we want them caught! Stay with your parties and you'll be searched individually."

"That could take hours!" cried a merchant. "If these carts can't get through today my customers will have my head!"

"You'll get through," said the guard, automatically. "Everyone gets through. We just need your cooperation."

"Cooperate with THIS!"

It had been a long day for the guards at this border crossing, and it wasn't getting any shorter. It had been a while since border crossings had been enforced with any effort; typically, the guards' job had been to cheerfully greet anyone coming from the other side. The hardest part about it was thinking up new ways to say "Hello, you have your papers, right? Off you go!"

If the order had been to close the border completely, that would have been fine too. Then they would have just said, "Sorry, you can't pass today," while pointing frantically at the 'hidden' bypasses.

Instead, the order had been to allow traffic to pass after screening by the specialist ninja. This had turned into a nightmare. The merchants didn't want to slow any more than cats want to swim, and they'd put up a similar fight on the issue.

The specialists were making the guard edgy, besides. They were all dressed alike, their bodies almost completely hidden by a combination of wide-brimmed hats, masks, and long robes. The waterfall-village symbol didn't mean anything to the guard but did mark them as ninja, and just being close to them was trouble.

They were searching for a ring, and that was just adding to the pain. The merchant traffic that passed through this crossing, by the guard's reckoning, amounted to the world's biggest haystack in which to find the world's smallest needle. So the specialists were doing something that allowed them to detect metal by passing their hands over things. That was nice and all, but all of the merchants had metal somewhere. Some were trafficking nothing but metal. One metals merchant had caused a huge ruckus that ended only with him being knocked cold while the specialists tore his cart to pieces. The guard felt bad about it, but mostly in the way you feel bad when the neighbor's dog gets run over—you weren't involved, but they're upset and you're going to hear ALL ABOUT IT for the next few hours.

So the guard was experiencing a high degree of brain frazzle when the whale showed up.

The guard's jaw dropped. It was easily the hugest man he'd ever seen. He made a beluga look svelte. The guard imagined he felt the ground shaking as this man approached. He was seven feet tall, but the only word that entered the guard's head was "fat". He had fat on top of fat. He had fat in places most people don't even have skin. He had the proportions of an egg; with each step he jiggled like gelatin.

The guard stared as the whale approached the crossing. Finally years of training and practice kicked in, and the guard called out, "Have a nice day!" Then his brain caught up (still trying to deny what it had just seen) and he yelled, "Hey, the border's closed!"

The whale stopped—though it took him several steps. Momentum, apparently. He turned and bellowed, "You talkin' to me?"

It took a few seconds before the guard could answer; he was staring at the mass of wobbling fat under the whale's chin. Turkeys would have been shamed by a gobbler like that. "Um, yeah," said the guard. "You have to be checked out by the specialists."

"What makes them so special?" demanded the whale.

"Uh…" The guard was not quick on the quip under ideal circumstances, and these were not. "Could you just do it?"

The whale huffed heavily, though anything he did would invite the modifier "heavily". "Fine, fine." He walked over to the specialist ninja, who—like everyone else—were staring numbly.

"Whatcha want?" he said.

The ninja glanced at each other, their silent conversation amounting to "No, YOU do it!" Finally their leader said, "Osumo, this one's all yours."

The smallest and most junior of the ninja approached slowly, coming in sideways as if he was afraid of being eaten. He looked away, held out his arm at maximum length, and said, "I'm afraid we have to search you."

"You want me to take off my shirt?" said the whale.

"NO!" replied the entire border crossing.

"Was just asking," said the whale.

Keeping his arm extended, Osumo ran his hand a few inches away from the whale's body. After doing a few circles, his leader said, "You have to get closer than that."

Osumo shot him a mutinous look that clearly said "You want to do this?" Then he sighed and moved a little closer.

As his hand ran over the whale's belly it shook, and a musical tone rang out. The ninja shook his head in denial, then said, "Sir, you… I'm detecting some metal."

"'Course you are!" said the whale. "That's my navel ring!"

Several of the merchants started clawing at their eyes. The guard was, for once, benefiting from his lack of imagination; that mental image would be horrifying.

"It makes me dead sexy," said the whale.

Osumo backed away, shaking his head and muttering "No way, no way." His leader stopped him, and the two had a heated conversation. The whale crossed his arms and waited as they bickered, argued, and waved kunai knives. Finally Osumu turned back towards the whale and, with his leader behind him for every step, said, "I'm afraid we have to take a look, sir."

"That's just for the ladies," protested the whale.

"Please, sir!" pleaded Osumo.

The whale sighed and lifted his shirt, causing most of the people there to look away in pain.

Osumo's face screwed up in repulsion. The whale's navel was completely hidden, folded between two enormous rolls of fat. He tried to back away, but he ran into his leader behind him. The leader wasn't looking directly at it, but he still managed to catch Osumo's eye and shake his head. Osumo turned back to the whale. Gingerly, slowly, painfully, he reached out towards the whale to grip the upper roll of fat and lift it up.

The texture and the 'squish' sound it made in Osumo's hand were the last straws. He dashed away, found a spot behind the crossing, and started to wretch. The rest of the ninja team backed away, and the leader said, "Well, you check out, have fun on the other side!"

The whale snorted. "You jerks, you're acting like I'm fat or something," he muttered. "I swear, never seen such rude jerks in my life. I'm glad I'm back on the other side of the border, never coming back here again…"

Once out of sight of the checkpoint, the whale seemed to deflate, and a Konohagakure ninja fled the scene.

* * *

Choji stared at the ring. Such a petty thing…

The other members of his cell were shedding their disguises, safe on their side of the border. "Choji," said Ino, "you… you did a really good job, there."

"I've never seen a plan quite like that," said Kurenai. "It…" She struggled to find words for it, and couldn't. "It worked," she said lamely.

"Choji," said Shikamaru, clapping Choji on the back, "you were magnificent. That's your best partial expansion jutsu ever, but your acting was even better."

"Shikamaru," said Choji, smiling manically, "if we weren't such good friends, I'd have to kill you about now."

Shikamaru was blank for a few seconds. Then he started to chuckle. Choji laughed with him, and soon all four of them were on the ground, laughing until they cried and their sides hurt from the effort.

"You know," said Ino, "I can't believe we pulled that off."

"I think we'll get the village to call that at least a 'B'," said Kurenai.

"We don't get paid enough to put up with this," said Shikamaru.

"We're done," said Choji. "At least we're done. Phew…" he stood up, extended a hand to Shikamaru. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"Sounds like a plan," said Shikamaru. The cell wobbled to its feet and they set off again, on the home stretch.

"Seriously, though," said Choji, "you'd be dead right now…"

"I know, I know…"

* * *

Lady Tsunade, the Fifth Hokage, had seen quite a few odd things in the recent past. This mission report wasn't the oddest, but it was surely in the top ten.

The mission had exceeded all expectations. Resistance had been heavier than expected, yet the completion of the mission took less time and fewer casualties than anticipated. Now that the signet ring had been delivered, what had been a simmering dispute among the minor lords of the north was turning into a boiling conflict. This action was in the Waterfall ninjas' backyard, so it was sure to keep their attention. Plus, while the Waterfall ninja were still needed in the area, they'd been disgraced, so they were doing the same missions for less pay. Taken together, picking a fight with Konoha was the last thing on their minds. That was one less enemy for Tsunade to worry about.

And the methodology used to complete the mission had been impressive, to boot. Only one actual battle, the rest accomplished with strategy and guile. She marveled at how cleanly it had been done.

The time ticked to 7:45, and shortly thereafter a knock came to her door. "Come in," she said.

Shikamaru entered. "You called for me, ma'am?"

"Yes I did," she answered, collecting the papers. "Nicely done on your last mission, Shikamaru Nara."

"Thank you, ma'am," he said warily.

"I have good news."

"Yay."

"On the recommendations of both your cell leaders—Asuma and Kurenai—and on your impressive mission history, I'm promoting you to jonin."

Shikamaru frowned. "Say what? Isn't there an exam process?"

"Of course there is," said Tsunade, "but it's different from the chunin exams. The chunin exams are open partly as an advertisement for our services, but also to keep the contestants safe. On the other hand, jonin exams must be as practical as possible. The real world where jonin operate can't withstand a sanitized exam. It's unpredictable."

She stood. "We can't afford to carelessly waste chunin, which is why their exams are carefully proctored; they're the village's future. But we can't afford to carelessly promote jonin, either; they're the village's present.

"What you just did—that mission—that *was* your jonin exam. You were given a mission; you planned it, executed it, and brought your cell back in one piece. Kurenai was your examiner, though of course she was acting just as a member of your team. She actually wanted to abort the mission at one point (_Yeah right!_ thought Shikamaru), but you went ahead and got it done. So you passed with flying colors. Good work."

Shikamaru frowned. "Ma'am," he said, "I don't get it. Our missions are all different. There're almost no constants. It's not very fair to the other chunin if their tests aren't the same as mine. Plus, I was part of a team. I couldn't have done it without Choji and Ino and Kurenai. How can I get the credit for that mission?"

Tsunade smiled. "I would expect you to ask questions like that," she said. "Jonin, first, are judged on whether or not they can complete missions. So by that standard, you obviously pass.

"You mentioned that the tests are always different. They *have* to be. A jonin has to be able to adapt; we couldn't promote someone who already knows what questions he'll be asked. To chunin, sure. But not to jonin. A chunin just has to be able to learn. A jonin has to be able to improvise."

"But I'm still taking credit for the abilities of my teammates," said Shikamaru.

"Leaders don't have any choice about that," said Tsunade, still smiling, "but it's vitally important that you recognize it. Your strength is the strength of your team. For that matter, the strength of the team is your strength. It works both ways. We've had both types of jonin—those who were strong enough that their cellmates just had to clean up the mess, and those who were weak on their own but could bring out the best in their team.

"What matters, first and foremost, is that it works. Your style not only works, but it works with a minimum expenditure in resources. At this point in the village's life, we couldn't ask for a better jonin."

Shikamaru's eyes narrowed. He studied her words carefully. "At this point," he said. "You mean, "while we try to refill our ranks", right? This is about getting someone conservative into leadership positions… it's about… hold on…"

His eyes widened. "You want me because I'm lazy!"

"Ironic, isn't it?" said Tsunade, smiling. "Since Orochimaru's attack, we don't have ninja to spare. We have barely enough time or resources to handle our mission load. This village needs someone who knows how to expend the absolute bare minimum effort to get a job done. Someone who won't spend one day, one shuriken, or one life more than necessary.

"That someone… is you."

Shikamaru sighed, downcast. "I remember back at the academy," he said, "they used to say "A ninja wastes nothing". I suppose we don't waste our flaws, either."

"We can't afford to," said Tsunade. "Do you remember this one? "A use for everything, and everything will be used"."

"I remember hating that one," Shikamaru said. "Even then I knew. I knew it meant I'd never be able to avoid work the way I wanted to."

"Don't make the mistake of thinking this is just to fill a hole," said Tsunade. "You're needed. Your skills are needed. This is your time."

Shikamaru's shoulders slumped. "We really are doomed, aren't we?"

Tsunade shook her head. "Do you take anything positively?"

"Only when I have to, ma'am," he said. "Well. I suppose I'll head to the outfitters and see about getting my jonin outfit. New uniforms… what a drag. Man, and now my mom's gonna chew out my dad because I made jonin way faster than he did… as if I was really trying for this…"

Tsunade shook her head as she watched him leave, but he stopped with the door half-shut. "There's a rooftop picnic area downtown," he said. "You can get a great view of the clouds from there. If you… need me… well, never mind."

He left, leaving Tsunade with a smile on her face. She looked down at her desk, where a mission dossier rested. Its "assigned ninja" section read:

Jonin Shikamaru (cell leader)

Chunin Choji

Chunin Ino

"Ino-Shika-Cho," she said. Then she set it aside. He'd earned a rest, she decided.

She'd give him a whole three hours.

Disclaimer: all characters, concepts, etc. are based on the manga "Naruto" by Masashi Kishimoto. All rights reserved.


End file.
